I have been working on re-writing parts of my second memoir “Elusive Identity”. I got some wonderfully constructive feedback, including one thing that three out of the four people said “Needs more life experiences!”.
I’ve added two experiences that I am happy with, plus two more that need to be refined.
In the mean-time, I thought you may like a sneak peek at one of the experiences in this memoir.
It is in the first chapter about re-creating myself when I’ve lost all confidence.
The day after my appointment with my psychologist, I shared with a support worker that I was going to break up with him. I articulated my feelings about why “I just don’t feel safe around him”. Another piece of brickwork got laid at that moment. My confidence rose while I shared that I was going to break up with him, and again when I articulated my reason why.
On the day I took my time getting dressed. I wore all black – as if I were going into battle. I got that from the tv show “Sherlock”. “What are you going to wear?” “Battle-dress”.
I thought of not bothering to look nice, because he wasn’t worth getting dressed up for. I stuck to my plan of looking nice, just because I liked the image that I had of my self. I didn’t wear my click-clack heels, just black boots, as I knew they would make me more sure-footed. The word “grounded” resounded with that decision.
I wrote notes on my phone to refer to in case I had a drink of cola and sat and talked with him. In the end, I didn’t need to. I walked into the bar, heart quickening and doubts lurking. I concentrated on three-second breaths, then on a guy I could compare him against. Jimmy was no match. I concentrated on walking ahead.
I almost walked past him. I had to take my sunglasses off to see his features. He looked at me with a broad smile. I smiled tightly and stood at his table. He offered me a hug. I said “No” firmly. He invited me to take a seat. I looked in his eyes and said “I’m going home”. I got his headphones out of my bag and pushed them towards him “These are yours”. I took $10 out of my wallet and placed that on the table. “This is the extra, for the taxi fare.” I looked straight at him again. “That’s it.” He picked up his headphones and played with them for a second. “Why?” he asked.I took a moment to articulate and feel the reasoning behind my answer “I’ve thought about things. When I wasn’t drunk”. He nodded “Fair enough”. He had received my communication. Job done, I turned around and walked out of the bar.
The cab I’d taken to the pub was still in the taxi rank and the driver said “That was quick”. “Yeah, I just had to drop something off” I said.
A sense of confidence and trust in myself blossomed over that and the next day. I went from feeling like I can’t rely on myself, to trusting myself and my future, all in two days. I had recreated my sense of self once again.
I hope you enjoyed this! You can read more about losing a sense of self, and recreating an identity in my second memoir. This memoir, Elusive Identity, is now available to pre-order. The Kindle publication date is 1st December 2017. Its only one month away!
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