The audio for this blog post can be found here:
My Memoir “Elusive Identity: The Autism Spectrum and Recreating a Sense of Identity”. is out now on Kindle.
After I getting some wonderfully constructive feedback, I revised parts of my second memoir “Elusive Identity”. One thing that three out of the four beta readers said is “Needs more life experiences!”. I’ve added four experiences to the book.
I thought you may like a sneak peek at one of the experiences in this memoir.
It is in the last chapter about where I am now. It describes a time that I’ve lost all confidence, then recreate trust and confidence.
The day after my appointment with my psychologist, I shared with a support worker that I was going to break up with him. I articulated my feelings about why “I just don’t feel safe around him”. Another piece of brickwork got laid at that moment. My confidence rose while I shared that I was going to break up with him, and again when I articulated my reason why.
On the day I took my time getting dressed. I wore all black – as if I were going into battle. I got that from the tv show “Sherlock”. “What are you going to wear?” “Battle-dress”.
I thought of not bothering to look nice, because he wasn’t worth getting dressed up for. I stuck to my plan of looking nice, just because I liked the image that I had of my self. I didn’t wear my click-clack heels, just black boots, as I knew they would make me more sure-footed. The word “grounded” resounded with that decision.
I wrote notes on my phone to refer to in case I had a drink of cola and sat and talked with him. In the end, I didn’t need to. I walked into the bar, heart quickening and doubts lurking. I concentrated on three-second breaths, then on a guy I could compare him against. Jimmy was no match. I concentrated on walking ahead.
I almost walked past him. I had to take my sunglasses off to see his features. He looked at me with a broad smile. I smiled tightly and stood at his table. He offered me a hug. I said “No” firmly. He invited me to take a seat. I looked in his eyes and said “I’m going home”. I got his headphones out of my bag and pushed them towards him “These are yours”. I took $10 out of my wallet and placed that on the table. “This is the extra, for the taxi fare.” I looked straight at him again. “That’s it.” He picked up his headphones and played with them for a second. “Why?” he asked.I took a moment to articulate and feel the reasoning behind my answer “I’ve thought about things. When I wasn’t drunk”. He nodded “Fair enough”. He had received my communication. Job done, I turned around and walked out of the bar.
The cab I’d taken to the pub was still in the taxi rank and the driver said “That was quick”. “Yeah, I just had to drop something off” I said.
A sense of confidence and trust in myself blossomed over that and the next day. I went from feeling like I can’t rely on myself, to trusting myself and my future, all in two days. I had recreated my sense of self once again.
I hope you enjoyed this!
You can read more about losing a sense of self, and recreating an identity in my memoir, Elusive Identity..
If you are interested in providing feedback on an advance copy of future books, please join my eMail list. Make sure to tick the box “I want to be a Beta Reader”.