The audio of this blog post is at Musings of KarlettaA Audio Blog. Give it a listen.
Questions for you, the reader:
How connected are you to your sense of self? Is it a constant companian or an elusive identity?
If you didn’t see and understand your reputation, how would your sense of self be impacted?
What tools are in your toolbelt for times of losing your sense of self?
A lot of days I feel that Karletta as a personality doesn’t exist.
Since I often don’t know what other people think of me, there is no external identity compass to orientate me.
There are three ways that I can lose a sense of identity and go through an identity crisis.
It could be through realising that I have been wrong about something I believe in, by having insights and learning a new way that I can identify myself, or through mood changes throughout the day.
I share processes of times I lose a sense of identity, in my eBook “Elusive Identity. Maybe you can relate?
Rapid Identity Changes
This Christmas, I spent some time on KBoards – a forum for Kindle users. More specifically, in the section for writers.
By the second day I felt secure in the knowlege that I am a writer, entropenour, and have achieved unexpected things with self-publishing my five eBooks.
On Christmas day, I called my family members, including someone that I hadn’t talked to in years. While I felt that my family liked and even missed me, I also began to feel like the black sheep in the family. The screw-up.
On one day, I went from confidence and trust in my abilities, to feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. It was like my past achievements didn’t matter to anyone, even myself.
Time is warped for me and I can go through multiple mood changes in small amounts of time.
A 500 metre walk to a bus stop can feel like it takes half an hour, or even worse, is never-ending. A day can feel like half a week has gone by. At the end of a week I can feel that only a couple of days went by.
Recreating My Identity
While writing my memoir “Elusive Identity”, I changed the subtitle from “Maintaining a sense of identity” to “Recreating a sense of identity”, as I realised that I always recreate my confidence in the end, but rarely maintain it.
The loss of the construct known as Karletta, eventually opens up to a sense of belief in myself again.
Most often it is a creative act. I need to deliberately create a sense of hope in my future, and belief that I have achieved worthwhile things.
Other times, I get unexpected comments from others where I feel they admire me or my determination.
The creative act of rebirth, or coming into my identity, happens often, sometimes multiple times a day and sometimes every few months.
Sometimes caring words can help keep a spark of hope alive. Sometimes I have to make myself go through the motions – as if I am planning to stay alive. This helped once in 2017.
Doing Whatever Works
I don’t have a secret formula for recreating myself. It differs with each experience. Sometimes I feel that I’m pulling tools (life skills) out of a virtual toolbox, and sometimes it feels like I’m inventing life skills from scratch.
In my book I share lists that I have made, that helped me reconnect with who I am.
One of my go-to motivational songs these past couple of years, has been “My haircut will come back around” by Pinky Beecroft and the White Russians.
In these times of uncertainty, I try to latch onto anything that works to keep me going, hopeful, and somehow confident.
If you experience an elusive sense of identity as I do, maybe it could help to read my memoir. Maybe you can feel less alone, even acknowleged. That is my hope. That and that you keep on fighting.
Elusive Identity is available now. You can find it as an electronic book in the Amazon Kindle store.
My first memoir is “Successful to Burnt Out.
It is about Autistic burn out, and features experiences by four women including Kathy Isaacs from Access Health Autism and Laina from the Silent Wave blog.