Update: Amber is amazing – there is a Consent Toolkit! RASARA have developed it. You can download it at https://rasara.org/consent-toolkit-home
This was originally a Twitter thread in response to Jane Caro’s tweet about one reason why women don’t coming forward. The repercussions include shaming.
There seems to be no chance of me and other people getting heard and justice. Reporting incidents, if you can do it in the way the police want, leaves us retraumatised, with no hope of sexual assault charges being laid.
If you have any of the same and similar experiences, I am sorry. We – every human – still being belittled, disregarded and abused – doesn’t deserve it.
On the 7th March I looked for descriptions of types of rapes, already used in a criminal justice system. I started with Criminal Profiling – Anger Excitation Rape, ect.
I came across two articles about the limited vocabulary to describe misogyny and sexual assault. How putting words to concepts (for instance: Gaslighting) helps individuals and our societies see and deal with injustices. We need a clear language helps people understand the shock and gravity of human rights abuses, that can not be meaningless or have potentially unlimited meanings (neutralised phrases).
Below are most of the phrases that I hand wrote “My Phraseology of Sexual Assaults / Deconstructing Rapes” from the 7th March 2021 until 14th March 2021.
We’ll never get justice will we. I’ll say this again:
Ashes. 2005/2006. England. Assuming video taped on phone, although men denied it. Clothes thrown out on lawn while in shower. Other women’s clothes too. It still makes me feel used and discarded. Like I was irrellivant.
2/ I’ll tweet about phraseology of my sexual assualts and being manipulated/ gaslit. Maybe just the phrases. Surely this stuff is recorded somewhere in criminal profiles/ sexual assault therapies etc
3 Gentle and Rough Cycles
The gentleness is to reassure and reintroduce compliance.
The rough, painful, relentless pounding, where all you can do is uselessly try to push him off &/or flail uselessly, begging him to finish.
This is rape.
4 Humiliates while bonding
Asks a deeply personal question, gaslights her into thinking she’s over reacting/ silly/ weird/ isn’t making sense when she doesn’t want to answer.
She answers. Maybe laughs & is relieved the Qs ended
“You must be comfy w me or you wouldn’t have shared”
After again and again pushing away his wandering hands and body.
“What do you need? I didn’t take you home to hold hands.”
Agrees on things, no sex, to sleep.
Keeps up the wandering hands. Won’t let her sleep. Reluctently relents.
Him: I didn’t think you’d let me do that.
I have more phraseology and manipulation examples, but its taking ages to type on my phone, and no one seems to have noticed.
Ok, moved to my computer. Mind feels calmer again now I know some of my tweets have been seen.
Regarding giving head jobs to a group of guys. It is about power because I/ you are always failing to please them.
They move, push you from one to the next, make you chase it.
In all of these situations, where I’ve gone home with a guy, or what I thought would be max two guys, the predators know how to ask questions and respond to your actions where you feel it’s your choice to stay. Enough comfort sprinkled around that I doubt anyone means to harm me.
I really hope the women in this are not identified.
This quiet workplace cruelty in the form of a “joke” is one example. Unsure, he reassures, he takes advantage and harms you. Our trust is instantly dismantled.
“What noise does a woman make in bed?”
Maybe since a lot of school kids/ teens have told us their stories of being abused and raped in their school years, I can share how victim shaming worked with me.
I was insanely lonely. An embarrassment to some. Ostracised by many. Unable to keep friends. Unsafe at home.
One of the times I tried to make friends – was/ was sort of integrated for a bit into a group – a guy I had a huge crush on showed an interest in me. Another guy too.
No details here. Just – going insane trying to figure out what else I can do to have friends, I took up an offer.
I had read that sex is an intimate act. It feels nice. Like really good. I figured – maybe if I give them this – they’ll stay friends with me? Surely. Intimacy is too strong. (To be clear, I had already lost my virginity in an incredibly painful Gentle and Rough Cycle experience with an older guy who I though was my boyfriend).
There was the don’t talk & I wont pact. & Standing right there as classmates were told a humiliating lie.
In 1 joke for his self preservation / to not get into trouble/ to shame – something in me died. I’d lost another set of friends & didn’t know why.
Well, I am sick of typing this. You’ve all got your own stories of being manipulated and abused.
I’ll write my phraseology below:
Teen/school and Aftermath “Slut Shaming”
Lies about the acts/ what happened in a way to embarress the victim.
Feels humiliation, reaches out, is disregarded.
No one is listening to me and wants to know what really happened.
It comes with the territory
It is clear to the victim what their line is. How they resisted. How they were disregarded.
It is not a grey area for anyone other than the police, courts, his mates, guys you tell, some women you tell.
adding to the “it comes with the territory” defence
Look, I didn’t even know that there was an expectation to have sex if you went home with a guy.
I sure as hell didn’t know it was seen as fine to kick you out after sex, no matter the time.
You are taking advantage of us.
The Puppy Dog defence
Cycles of giving and withholding attention
(/connection/ affirmation/ affection)
The loss of connection is weird and confusing.
Hint: Say the words – to leave you alone – without laughing & in a kind tone. Anyone laughing gets told off quickly and loudly.
This is where you need to take responsibility. Rather than use someone who ‘was offering’ (probably wasn’t), expecting ‘she can leave at any time’ (probably can’t), and saying ‘what did she expect?’, use your words to get rid of her.
Not your dick.
aand last but not least.
“She said the word rough, so it’s open season”/ Open Season on Rough
She wants (and expects) to talk boundaries. Doesn’t say everything she needs to – maybe taking too long to get words out. You 2 don’t even have a Safe Word.
You abuse her. That’s rape.