My Complex PTSD could be summed up as – trapped, scared, ignored.
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My plan was renewed. Nov 2022.
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About Me section – still the same.
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Despite all the writing. By… seemingly everyone.
All those wasted emails and My Portal messages to the NDIS.
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Reports demanded and tossed aside.
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Email inbox. Emails. About the NDIS. That I just looked at this morning. Replied to one.
What feels like two hours later, I’m writing this blog post.
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My Complex-PTSD developed during years of childhood – from aged 3 to teen if not early 20s.
I doubt it would affect me as much if I had security of housing, food etc plus had some object-permanance of people I feel safe with and are my friends.
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I used to forget the extra letter. Thinking ‘childhood-ptsd’ is an easy way for me to remember the letter C.
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A few more key words about my c-ptsd could easily be – trapped, unsafe, scared, “make do”, ignored, disregarded, muted, neglected. Make the best of a bad situation, “deal with it”, when things get too much, use your words to fight – not your fists, “trust your instincts”.
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I am quite ill. It is also quite hot, here in Queensland. In this sickening rental. In a rental crisis. That I am trapped in.
Everyone is it seems. Even the sectors of construction, real-estate, business, community services, and the three levels of the Government Sector.
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Wasted hours. Wasted feelings. That is depression talking.
Thats how I feel right now. About trying to update my NDIS Plan About Me section.
Informal supports
My cat is dead. From 2020. My baby is dead. I’ve told you NDIS people.
My specialist reports since then address that.
I’ve now developed torretts where I meow to express and describe.
I wonder if my speech therapist can write that? My Occupational Therapist?
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Can it be added? To my other psycho-social stuff?
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Systemic: Does anyone upon a plan review actually read any letter addressed to the NDIS organisation about my plan?
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Clearly not. I know.
Or are trapped into dismissing them.
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I am agoraphobic, and, from actual life experiences – I hate being trapped. Inside this rental and outside in the community.
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My mind is going mad. Right now. But I have a lot of health problems. It is summer in Queensland. I feel sick. I have been triggered.
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Later, maybe in a few minutes, I’ll feel better.
Relieved of some weight or pressure. In my sinus perhaps. My lungs. In my forhead or skull. My digestive system. My teeth perhaps.
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All dismissed by the NDIS. Because of… well… pick nice reasons, any reasons.
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I need to stop typing. I am explaining too much.
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I reckon my agoraphobia is a later (and years- and situational) intermittent expression of or worsening symptom of anxity and situational PTSD.
This includes going out and having no safe exit and no quick, safe passage home.
Being trapped, in panic, in illness and pain, not knowing who will help and who will harm me.
I hate returning “home” in this rental.
Community Access
Therefore I DO NOT as a habit, go out for essential things like going to the pharmacy, health appointments and some shopping.
I’ve provided info about this. Why does it matter? It is false and misleading. It is not me.
I (see corrospondance) get taxis and DO NOT sometimes the community flyer.
Haven’t for years. Was trapped out in the community one too many times.
My crossings out of my NDIS About me section
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Wasted hours. Wasted feelings. Efforts spent typing and phoning and talking.
Choosing, replacing, disgarding, including updating words and phrases.
All for nothing. The exact same About Me section.
Dismissed.
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This is one way my Complex PTSD is playing out with the NDIS.
I am Karletta Abianac.
That NDIS Plan is not mine.
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I just got off the phone to someone from Hire Up.
I feel heard and overwhelmed.
My brain is busy.
I will feel better soon.
Life is messy.
Musings of KarlettaA 